If you commit a crime 90 times, you’ll only get caught 45 times.

Because sin90 = cot45

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma’am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks.

It’s nice to have a bit of company

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis,

Would it even matter?

Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.”

Media: “Scientist claims his findings are meaningless.”

We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don’t know is that it cures salmon.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg,

You can actually hear them say “what the heck are you doing?”

A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed  

while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”

*Tips hat at mosquito*

M’laria

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.

I bet you can’t name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.