As my junior year comes to a wrap my emotions are mixed; this year was filled with great success. I have an abundance of feelings, both happy and sad, as well as a heavy feeling on my heart, which is filled with grief and acceptance. This year is my second at Spring Hill, and one of my greatest in terms of achievement. I won awards in both ceramics, SPUB, and recognition in graphic design,my greatest passions, which one would think would bring a sense of contentment to myself.
And yet, I’m still not ready to let go; I’m not ready to let go of my successes this year to make room for the ones to come; I’m not ready to let go of my seniors who have helped shape me; I’m still not ready to let go of my friends from Bonner Springs who have moved on; and most of all I’m not ready to let go of my sister who is graduating.
While accepting to let go of emotional aspects from this year is proving to be a challenge, academically I’m ready to leave junior year behind. In terms of academics, this year has been my most challenging yet; having to balance my work schedule with advanced and heavily involved classes drained me. However, I also discovered that art, both digital and 3D, outweighs all of the negative aspects that come with being a high school student.
Ceramics brought me such joy that the lows never seemed to be too low. When throwing on the wheel I finally feel at peace, like nothing else matters besides the moving clay under my hands, moving methodically as it tells me what it would like to be. A special thank you to Sydney Kats, ceramics teacher, that allowed their classroom to be a sanctuary for my creativity.
This year was filled with new friends, of whom have taught me how to love to the absolute fullest; and yet, there is still an empty space in my heart yearning to be filled with friendships from the past and present that I wish could be more than what they seem to be.
Being able to know so many incredibly kind souls is a privilege and yet I still can’t help but look on the negative side of everything. For the first time in my life I’m holding on to a school year, needing it to be put to a halt, because I’m not so sure I’m ready for the change and definiteness that comes with senior year.
On a scale from one to ten junior year would fall at a five because there were only great highs and lows, I feel like there was no middle ground. I tried my hardest to be the best version of myself, but I have now come to the conclusion that there is not a best version of me. There is just the current state that I am in; whether that be good or bad is completely subjective. And I think I’m okay with sticking in the middle ground for right now.
My only piece of advice for the upcoming juniors is to appreciate the next year as it is. It’s stressful, isolating, aggravating, and an experience that will change someone. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t in that group chat, if they don’t invite you to that one thing, if you haven’t found your passion yet, if you feel lost. Everyone feels lost, and in my opinion that means no one is really lost, we are all just trying to do what we can.
I think junior year was a time for self reflection, but I still have numerous unanswered questions to which only I have the answer. Perhaps that’s what senior year is for: making that part of my heart which is empty complete, or maybe that doesn’t happen until college, or maybe it will never happen, maybe that is what makes life so meaningful.
