Consent is a term that is widely used in a suggestive sense; however, it is still present in other contexts, especially when it comes to any form of touch. Today, physical affection is widely accepted as a way to show care and love to friends, family, and significant others. Whether it’s comforting someone who’s upset, celebrating an achievement, or simply offering a display of affection, hugs have kind of just become an instinctive way of connecting with others. However, hugs aren’t always wanted, and many would either prefer to be asked before receiving touch, or simply to not receive any at all. And that’s okay.
“I’m really only okay with hugging people I’m close with,” said Milo Flissinger, 11. “And even then, I still think it’s important to ask beforehand.”
Discomfort from physical touch can stem from a variety of factors, such as past experiences, sensory sensitivities, or simply just preference. However, when it comes to offering a physical display of affection, it is important to disregard the reason behind someone refusing it and instead recognize and respect that boundary—no questions asked. Today, there is a significant amount of individuals who would prefer to not be touched by others, and it is essential to understand that it is okay to feel this way. Thankfully, there are a multitude of other ways caregivers can show their appreciation for their loved ones.
“Some other ways I’m okay with receiving affection are words of affirmation, or simply just asking for contact,” said Flissinger. “You want a high five? That’s fine, just please ask.”
Alongside this, it is also crucial to maintain comfortable boundaries within relationships. This includes understanding the distinction between being open to offering touch, but feeling uncomfortable with receiving it in return.
“Hugging makes me claustrophobic. I mean, if I’m comforting someone else, I’m okay with giving hugs, but I personally would prefer to not be touched when I’m being comforted myself.” said Ariela Manaj, 10. “Hanging with my friends and just quality time in general are how I show my affection without
using hugs or physical touch. In return, I’d be okay with my friends just being there for me while still respecting my boundaries.”
Receiving unsolicited hugs, or just physical touch in general, can also unveil negative emotions from the receiver, especially if they have had a poor experience with unwanted touch in the past. Quinn Thomson, 12, brought up their own experience of discomfort with being hugged by people they don’t know very well.
“I mostly hate when someone’s parent randomly comes up to give me a hug,” said Thomson. “Sometimes, I’ll try to just go in for a high five or something, but that doesn’t always work and it just ends up in an awkward side hug sort of thing.”
The importance of communication over boundaries, both romantic and platonic, is something that should not go undiscussed in relationships. Having these conversations with loved ones can not only strengthen bonds, but also foster a comfortable and respectful environment.
“If your friend or partner has a different preference about [physical affection], just have a sit-down conversation with them,” said Milo. “Having that back-and-forth communication can really help establish boundaries, and hopefully let you guys come to an agreement, along with some new parameters you can follow.”
Boundaries are personalized limits that display how comfortable someone is with certain things, typically involving physical contact, emotional interactions with others, and more. Despite the type of boundary someone has, no matter how much it differs from your own, respecting them and helping the person feel understood and safe should be the top priority.
