Maybe it’s the compulsion to lock the door three times before leaving, or perhaps it’s the voice in the back of your head urging you to step over every crack in the sidewalk. It’s the little things that make us feel “weird” or “apart from the rest.” At least. . . they seem little, right? Almost insignificant. But the truth is, these quirks are things that many individuals struggle with in their day-to-day lives. Not only are they a huge burden, but the stigma surrounding them can instill feelings of isolation and self doubt. Why? Because not everyone understands.

For me, it has always been a compulsion to do things repeatedly, or five times specifically. It’s not something I consciously am aware of until I do something that can be done four more times. Whether it’s locking the door, kissing my dog, setting down a book, or sipping out of a straw, I am constantly burdened with a voice in my head telling me I have to do it five times. If I ever forget to do it or am relieved of the urgency to do it in the moment, I am always reminded of it later and immediately gain a sense of unease. I don’t know why this happens, but it is almost as if my mind isn’t fulfilled until I have completed my routine of fives. Although many may see this as strange, it is simply just a compulsion I can’t shake. 

I find these kinds of quirks very important to bring awareness to, especially since many people may mistake these necessary actions as “bad habits,” or “something they’ll grow out of.” Although they may have a reassuring conscience behind their reasoning, it isn’t always wanted. Telling someone the burden they’ve dealt with for so long is just a “bad habit” only minimizes the struggle and invalidates the very real experience of not being able to control your own mind. Like I said before: isolation is something that can be rooted deeply within someone struggling with something like this, which is why it is important to have empathy and a sense of understanding rather than dismissing their feelings. 

Imagine trying to concentrate on an exam while a song is stuck in your head. You probably can’t focus on anything else because the same part of the song won’t stop repeating itself. No matter how hard you try to push it back into your mind, or simply replace it with something else, it lingers. The only way to stop it is to finish the song to keep it from creeping back into your mind. It’s frustrating, but until you do so, your mind can’t truly move on. That is what these compulsions feel like. They’re not bad habits, and they’re not mindless actions. 

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that it is okay to have those specific routines you have to follow, those numbers you need to meet, and everything in between. If you find yourself questioning or feeling unsure with your compulsion, remember this: you’re not alone. And if you ever find yourself doubting the realness of someone’s “bad habits,” reflect on those times when you haven’t been able to overcome one yourself. And then multiply it by 100.